3. Encouragement

Last night, my parents fought and it was very dramatic and violent. At first I tried to shut myself out; I ignored their conversations which involved a lot of shouting and pushing, and I tried to go back to sleep. However, my drunken mother entered the room and woke everyone up and the night went on with traumatizing scenes I would like to keep to myself.

When it finally ended, I went back to my room and started crying. I felt so helpless. My family has always been a top priority and I love my parents. It hurts just the same every time they fight and I will never get used to it. When I woke up this morning, I found that my mother had a lot of painkillers, and she was throwing up. I helped her to get to my room hoping that she would get some sleep. I checked on my siblings and took out cash from my bank account just in case my mother decided to go to Johor or Singapore. And dear friends, this is how I grew up as the eldest daughter.

How do you find peace in chaos? How to keep calm under circumstances like this?

I know it is never a good thing to have so much expectations on meditation retreats like the one I am going, but I can't help it. And today, I hope, I hope that whatever that has happened in my life, good and bad, are just encouraging me to find my completer self and discover ways to be at peace at all times.

I am writing this down because I want to note down the journeys I go through as I begin the trip. So please do not judge my parents. No matter what they do they are family and I will always try my best to protect and love them.

Also, thank you for checking up on me, and keeping me company.

2. Conversations

My paranoid self (Something I would love to get rid of) led me to a number of conversations with different people with regards to the meditation. I should not have done that, but I did so I might as well note them down.

The first person I talked to after making this decision was him. He did not comment too much, but I could sense something, I am not sure what. I feel that we are both afraid of what I may become after the meditation.

Next, I looked for Tina, and asked if she wants to come with me. To be honest, I wanted to go alone, I did not want any distraction to intervene me during the meditation. However knowing my parents they will Not let me go alone regardless of the fact that Chaiya is so much more safer than KL, I know I better have a company with me. I thought Tina would be a great choice because she's a few years older than me, and she has watched me grow as a person (I got to know her since I was 17). I also did not want to tag someone I know very well along (sorry, girls!) so Tina is perfect. Thankfully, she is very into it and if all goes well, we will be leaving for Thailand on the 26th of December :>

Two nights ago I went to my father's Indian friend's Deepavali open house. As I was looking at the Buddha statue they have in the living room, an elderly woman approached me and we had a nice little conversation about religion and vegetarianism. She said something that moved me: "For every meal you decided to replace meat with vegetables, all animals in the universe clasp their hands and pray to you. You become a respected human being, for your wisdom and kindness." She has been a vegetarian for more than 40 years. Unfortunately, I am not a vegetarian (yet) and I suppose I have not had the opportunity to experience that kind of respect, but it was very moving and perhaps I will have my share of that respect from the universe one day. 

And then I talked to my mother's friend, who is also a Buddhist. She is very supportive of the idea but she also reminded me that no matter how strong or independent or mature I think I am, I am, after all, only 22. In terms of life experiences, I have only been through so much. Well, I do not disagree with her but timing wise, I really think there's no any other time better than January '14. It is nice to have that little reminder with me though.

Just yesterday, I met up with Seeyin , who is essentially the person who inspired me to pack my bags and go. Okay fine, we spent half the time talking about boys, but I can sense the light out of her, it's a form of energy that shines through her eyes when she talks. She was very encouraging and fun to talk with.For two strangers to talk non-stop for more than 3 hours, I suppose that's the power of fate. We also talked about life and future careers. As I have mentioned in the previous post, I do not know what I want to do. I told her about my lecturer's story in Cambodia, and it's kind of comforting to know she has more or less the same trouble (yes, I am not alone bahaha) and who knows? We might come up with something together in the future ;)

Oh, I also booked the flight tickets to Cambodia! Also had a nice conversation with Nick, my best friend (who is going to pay for my food in Cambodia yezzah). I told him about my wish to help people living in rural areas to improve their life. He made a similar statement to what Seeyin told me, and I could not forget what they said...

"For many people living in the rural areas, they are perfectly comfortable with the way life is. For these people, water comes from the river, food comes from the soil, and they build homes with whatever that is offered to them. You think you are helping them by giving what you think of as 'basic goods', but perhaps you are not. In a way, by helping them you may be doing the wrong things, you may be intervening their very own systems of life. Not all good intentions are good. Not everyone wants the help you think they deserve." 

For some reasons, people have been asking me this one question I try to avoid:

"What is your purpose of life?"

hah, I do not know.

top and skirt from H&M

Clutch from Topshop

Sandals from Vincci

I have not been wearing any accessories for quite a while.

  

  

1. Decision

Not too long ago (about 3 days ago, to be exact.) I decided that I am going to spend this new year's eve and the following 10 days at Wat Suan Mokkh, South Thailand to perform a silent meditation. It was quite an impulsive decision as it was made within half an hour, after reading a virtual friend's experience in words, some reviews from backpackers, and the official website itself. As impulsive as it is, I know this is what I need and I know I am going to do it.

I am leaving university for good this December, so basically, 2014 marks a new beginning, a new milestone of my life - I am joining the workforce, becoming a real adult. So what's the big deal now?

Well, probably just like everyone else, I am feeling lost right now. I do not know what the future holds for me, I do not know where I want to go, who I want to be. I thought I had it all planned out, I thought I would be ready for work, but boy, I don't have a constructive plan, and I am nowhere near ready. I don't wanna end up like everyone else - jumping into the first job offer they get and that's it. On top of that, I am also unsure of what kind of career I would like to pursue. I had a taste of working in the Malaysia fashion industry and I hated it. Which is pretty saddening because it has always been my top career choice. I quite like retailing (supermarkets!) but again, I am not sure if I will enjoy doing it for the rest of my life. I like justice, I would protest for basic human rights, so I have been giving work related to CSR and things like that some thoughts but again, I am not 100% sure. It sure sounds like a typical graduate problem but to me it is not, growing up I have always "had it planned". So this is kind of new to me. And I don't like it. At all.

Relationship wise, I put a stop to mine. There was some issues that I simply cannot resolve no matter how hard I try. It's just hard, you know? when religion and life perspectives come into play. I want to say this relationship made me grow and I am a bigger person now but honestly, I can't. This relationship brought both the best and worst of me. I learnt to love, and love I did, I loved hard, I loved the way I wanted to, and I went a little overboard, but I think that's okay. And then I learnt to hate, and that revealed a side of me I wish I did not have. I became a little bit crazy, I got addicted. It makes me feel like a bad person, but at the same time I do not think I am at fault at all. It's a mess, I will admit. And I do not know how to clean up. If it was really meant to be, why did we have to end up like this? Is love alone not enough? If I have to let it go, how? He said he will wait, am I being selfish for allowing him to do so? I am not a bad person, I know that. But I have never felt this evil before, and again, I don't like it. At all.

Another difficulty I am facing right now is, well, myself. I would like to leave this part out though.

Anyway, what I feel I need, is some form of cleansing. Both physically and mentally. And I think (and hope) this meditation would help, or at least put me at peace. I was advised not to expect too much. I am trying not to. But I believe certain form of forces pushed me to this. It's not for everyone, I don't know how well it will work out for me, but I am going to give it a shot.

So instead of exploring the beauty of Cambodia with a dear friend of mine (which is a story for another time), I will begin my journey a little bit earlier and head south to Thailand first instead.

note: the meditation retreats at Wat Suan Mokkh official website: http://www.suanmokkh-idh.org/index.html

midi dress from H&M

necklace from DIVA

clutch from Topshop

slip-on shoes from Topshop

Next up: Persuade.

#5

top from Topshop

jeans from Topshop

shoes from ZARA

bra from H&M

I am not a fan of inner tops. I don't see the point. For me, it is better to embrace the sheer material by wearing a matching bra rather than hiding its beauty with an inner top. Of course, inevitably people would stare but who cares?

Had a great buffet lunch with my best friend today. Our friendship is definitely one of the things in life that I value the most :)

#4

top from www.fashionvalet.com

skirt from H&M

shoes from Dorothy Perkins

bag from ZARA

sunglasses from Uniqlo

I really need to improve on choosing a background for my OOTD pictures. Anyway I think this outfit is definitely one of my favorites as it is neither overdressed nor underdressed for any occasions -shopping, tea time with my girls, dating, presentations even. However I was only running errands and on the way to work when I wore this outfit the other day (Mind you, I don't wear my own clothes at work) but oh well. Haha.

#3

top from Message (My mother's)

jeans from GAP

shoes from Vincci

bag from ZARA

I always plan my outfit for the next day during bedtime, hence the mood influence what I wear the next day greatly. Clearly I was feeling grey last night. But hey, it's cliche but true: life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain. 

On a side note, it's getting funnier how one brand is making knock-offs from the other and selling them for a cheaper price. I am sure Vincci got "inspired" by Zara and made those sandals while Zara probably got "inspired" somewhere else before they made them, too. Well, as a consumer, I am definitely not complaining. 

#2

Skirt from H&M

bag from ZARA

The neatness of the prints got me grabbing this particular skirt without much thoughts given (OCD alert!). I am never really a big fan of mini skirts (although I must admit there are a few lying around my closet for special occasions) so the cut was pretty much perfect. I foresee myself buying more pencil skirts in the future. I really like how put-together a pencil skirt look on me. Pencil skirts aren't for everyone so I am definitely counting my blessings.