I am leaving university for good this December, so basically, 2014 marks a new beginning, a new milestone of my life - I am joining the workforce, becoming a real adult. So what's the big deal now?
Well, probably just like everyone else, I am feeling lost right now. I do not know what the future holds for me, I do not know where I want to go, who I want to be. I thought I had it all planned out, I thought I would be ready for work, but boy, I don't have a constructive plan, and I am nowhere near ready. I don't wanna end up like everyone else - jumping into the first job offer they get and that's it. On top of that, I am also unsure of what kind of career I would like to pursue. I had a taste of working in the Malaysia fashion industry and I hated it. Which is pretty saddening because it has always been my top career choice. I quite like retailing (supermarkets!) but again, I am not sure if I will enjoy doing it for the rest of my life. I like justice, I would protest for basic human rights, so I have been giving work related to CSR and things like that some thoughts but again, I am not 100% sure. It sure sounds like a typical graduate problem but to me it is not, growing up I have always "had it planned". So this is kind of new to me. And I don't like it. At all.
Relationship wise, I put a stop to mine. There was some issues that I simply cannot resolve no matter how hard I try. It's just hard, you know? when religion and life perspectives come into play. I want to say this relationship made me grow and I am a bigger person now but honestly, I can't. This relationship brought both the best and worst of me. I learnt to love, and love I did, I loved hard, I loved the way I wanted to, and I went a little overboard, but I think that's okay. And then I learnt to hate, and that revealed a side of me I wish I did not have. I became a little bit crazy, I got addicted. It makes me feel like a bad person, but at the same time I do not think I am at fault at all. It's a mess, I will admit. And I do not know how to clean up. If it was really meant to be, why did we have to end up like this? Is love alone not enough? If I have to let it go, how? He said he will wait, am I being selfish for allowing him to do so? I am not a bad person, I know that. But I have never felt this evil before, and again, I don't like it. At all.
Another difficulty I am facing right now is, well, myself. I would like to leave this part out though.
Anyway, what I feel I need, is some form of cleansing. Both physically and mentally. And I think (and hope) this meditation would help, or at least put me at peace. I was advised not to expect too much. I am trying not to. But I believe certain form of forces pushed me to this. It's not for everyone, I don't know how well it will work out for me, but I am going to give it a shot.
So instead of exploring the beauty of Cambodia with a dear friend of mine (which is a story for another time), I will begin my journey a little bit earlier and head south to Thailand first instead.
note: the meditation retreats at Wat Suan Mokkh official website: http://www.suanmokkh-idh.org/index.html
midi dress from H&M
necklace from DIVA
clutch from Topshop
slip-on shoes from Topshop
Next up: Persuade.
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