Last night, my parents fought and it was very dramatic and violent. At first I tried to shut myself out; I ignored their conversations which involved a lot of shouting and pushing, and I tried to go back to sleep. However, my drunken mother entered the room and woke everyone up and the night went on with traumatizing scenes I would like to keep to myself.
When it finally ended, I went back to my room and started crying. I felt so helpless. My family has always been a top priority and I love my parents. It hurts just the same every time they fight and I will never get used to it. When I woke up this morning, I found that my mother had a lot of painkillers, and she was throwing up. I helped her to get to my room hoping that she would get some sleep. I checked on my siblings and took out cash from my bank account just in case my mother decided to go to Johor or Singapore. And dear friends, this is how I grew up as the eldest daughter.
How do you find peace in chaos? How to keep calm under circumstances like this?
I know it is never a good thing to have so much expectations on meditation retreats like the one I am going, but I can't help it. And today, I hope, I hope that whatever that has happened in my life, good and bad, are just encouraging me to find my completer self and discover ways to be at peace at all times.
I am writing this down because I want to note down the journeys I go through as I begin the trip. So please do not judge my parents. No matter what they do they are family and I will always try my best to protect and love them.
Also, thank you for checking up on me, and keeping me company.
hug.
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